Big Crosswalk
A transcript provided by the Daily Riot, with commentary from your favorite DR hosts, Chad Wingright and Karen Liply. Illustrated with original photos. (Satire)
Senator Right: My fellow esteemed Senators, we are going to hear testimony today regarding the impact of crosswalks in our communities. I have had countless letters and phone calls on this issue, some from people who were tragically hit by cars while they were walking in crosswalks. I have constituents who are physically and mentally traumatized from crosswalk-related injuries, even years later. Big Crosswalk has been lobbying for laws regarding crosswalks and maintenance of crosswalks for many years, and some of my esteemed colleagues have grown rich from their campaign donations. I am a cosponsor of the Save Our Streets bill, and I want my colleagues, and the American people, to hear the testimony of these brave Americans so we can all know what votes on this bill will mean for our communities.
A crosswalk located just steps away from a Christian church. Is nothing sacred?
A local woman: Thank you for this opportunity to speak. My name is Mary English, and I was once a clueless dupe. Although I am now permanently disabled from being hit by a car while walking in a crosswalk, I say God bless that day. I thank the Lord that I can give testimony today about how my eyes were opened. Seated next to me today is my daughter Virginia, who was at my side in the hospital room later that day, after I had emergency surgery. Sitting next to me, holding my hand, surrounded by the tubes and beeping machines of my hospital room, my beautiful virginal daughter told me about the driver safety information she had just learned in her so-called Health classes at her high school. Education about the law, including laws about drivers’ yielding to pedestrians in crosswalks, completely leaving out the vital information that some drivers will NOT yield at crosswalks. Crazy liberal ideas about the impact of crosswalks in supposedly saving lives, and today I wonder how much of this so-called education in our public schools — and also in driver education classes —which are pushed on our children — is paid for by Big Crosswalk. My daughter was not taught alternative facts, she was not taught about how innocent pedestrians are lured by promises of safety and clever street designs into believing that crossing streets at crosswalks is the ‘cool’ thing to do. Why wasn’t she taught that there are other ways besides crosswalks? Why is that hidden from our children? Classes aimed at minors, billed as ‘driver education,’ supposedly teach teenagers about yielding to pedestrians in crosswalks. But these are young and vulnerable kids, and what they are hearing, what they are really being told, is that crosswalks are the place to find and run over pedestrians! Parents across this country are duped into paying for classes that are encouraging motor vehicle assault while pretending they are saving lives. Thank you for allowing me to share my testimony today; I only hope that it will encourage other parents to sit down with their teens and find out what is really going on in the public schools’ and drivers’ ed classes, and understand the murderous liberal garbage their children are taught.
[Daily Riot:
Chad: Public school children are being funneled into classes that teach it is cool to run into pedestrians while driving, leading to emergency rooms overflowing with the tragic victims of this socialist nightmare of an excuse for public education — all paid for by you, the tax payer.]
A lone white man braving a crosswalk, determined to protect his family.
A woman in a wheelchair: My name is Alice Jeans, and I am here to testify about the impact of curb ramps placed in locations designed to entice people in wheelchairs to use crosswalks, with no regard for the risks of roadways and how drivers continue to hit people on those striped targets. By removing obstacles imposed by curbs, accessibility laws have created opportunities for injury and even death. These kinds of regulations have been disguised by the liberal elite as ‘reasonable accommodations,’ but what is reasonable about being hit by a car? I am much safer if my disability is not accommodated, if I am not tempted out into public, if I am not run over! And those ramps are not only affecting the well-being of wheelchair users. Women in sleeveless tops pushing babies in strollers and foreign tourists who don’t even speak English pulling their wheeled suitcases can be seen out and about, thanks to the ease of passage imposed by ramps. Is that really what you want to see? Perhaps that is really what the liberal politicians pushing Big Crosswalk want: to fill our streets with wanton women and criminal immigrants and people with misshaped bodies. I am sorry that you have had to look upon me today but I felt it was important to speak up. Thank you.
[Daily Riot:
Karen: Shocking congressional testimony today revealed that Democrat-regulations requiring wheelchair access to public spaces are designed to injure the disabled.]
A crosswalk patriotically altered to keep wheelchair-bound people away.
Another witness: I am Jane Mamma, here to give testimony about an insidious effect of Big Crosswalk that the liberal media never talks about. I am here, not because I was hit by a car but because I was emotionally devastated after crossing the street. Devastated. I was with my seven year old son Albert, and on this day we crossed the street on a crosswalk we had innocently used before, thankfully without being run over by some liberal brainwashed teenager. However, on that day I saw that the lines of the crosswalk had been repainted in rainbow colors, which to my horror caused Albert’s behavior to immediately change. He exhibited deranged smiles and even laughter and he SKIPPED. Ever since that day, my sleep has been disturbed by vivid nightmares of my son wearing a dress and saying, “call me Alberta.” I have been diagnosed with PTSD and have been in pastoral counseling , and I can assure you, these nightmares are only dreams. I did discover that Albert had learned how to skip at public school, and I have pulled him out of that school and am now homeschooling. I fear for my community, which has many crosswalks. Beware: once we start telling people they have to paint the roads, we are opening the door to all kinds of colors on public streets. All crosswalks are potential rainbows and whatnot. Big Crosswalk is clearly aligned with the gay agenda and is encouraging child transgenderism and must be stopped. Thank God I was able to stop this transition with my own child, who now is not allowed to leave our property, which I have fenced.
[Daily Riot:
Chad: Testimony today exposed that crosswalks are surgically altering the genitals of minors.]
A falling shadow reveals a ‘surgeon’s scalpel’ shape, exposing the true horrors of B.C.
A man: My name is Joe America and I am here to share the results of research I have done, at my own expense, which has revealed significant dangers we all face. I myself have not been struck by cars, but I have been struck by the relationship of Big Crosswalk to other costly and dangerous industries. The only reasonable response to my testimony will be to do away with all so-called public safety initiatives. Big Crosswalk has just followed the same playbook as Big Seatbelt and Big Airbag, industries that have made billions of dollars from buying the votes of radical left politicians who have demanded that consumers be price-gouged by their dangerous regulations. There is no concern for people who have been trapped in their cars by seatbelts or buffeted and bruised by airbags. Commie socialist leftist liberals have continued to insist that these costly and dangerous devices be installed in every automobile, adding an average cost of $18,647 dollars to the retail cost of a typical family car. I have three cars in my household, that adds up to $172,123 I have paid for these dangerous gadgets I do not want. That is money my family could use to feed our children and tithe our church. Thank you for your attention to this issue.
[Daily Riot:
Chad: Members of congress learned today that the American people are aware that their socialist safety agenda is really a dangerous scam paid for by Big Safety.
Karen: That’s right, Chad. That noxious beeping when seatbelts are not fastened is probably implanting subliminal programming into our brain to make us into the kind of fearful sheep that make children wear bicycle helmets.
Chad: That’s right, Karen. I cracked open my head while bike-riding as a child, and it didn’t do me any harm.]
Is Chinese crosswalk technology infiltrating the US, abetted by commie Dems?
A child: My name is Timmy Little and I am in the seventh grade and I was hit by a car, um, a Prius, while I was in a crosswalk. I beg you Senators to please look at me and hear my story and have some compassion for the citizens that have been lied to and coerced into using crosswalks. See our visible and invisible wounds, learn from us, and stop this madness. Stop Big Crosswalk, end all auto-related safety regulations, end rainbows, and thereby restore sanity to America. May God bless you and guide your hearts.
[Daily Riot:
Karen: Heartbreaking testimony from an innocent child revealed how use of hybrid automobiles is associated with hit and run drivers targeting children in crosswalks.]
Shadowy figures on the far side of a crosswalk. Are our children safe?
A man: My name is Arthur Bigg and I am here as an automobile operator and a concerned community member who is sick and tired of the liberal agenda. I want to bring attention to the increased greenhouse gas emissions from regulations having drivers stop at crosswalks, their idling engines emitting whatever they are supposedly emitting. Those liberal drivers must be so emotionally torn between yielding to pedestrians or contributing to climate change, if that is even real, so make your minds up you kooky libtards, do you want to save us from global warming or not. You commie lefties with your crosswalks, you contribute to Big Oil with idling motors and contribute to Big Hospital with your crosswalks that provide targets for non-yielding motorists and contribute to Big Gay with your rainbow crosswalks, you are all just fattening your wallets at the expense of hard working Americans. I’ve never seen any of you in a crosswalk but you expect us to use them! Hypocrites! That is my testimony.
[Daily Riot:
Chad: Congressional testimony on the environmental damage caused by crosswalks leaves simpering socialist Senators speechless.]
Liberals, probably from France, ignoring their own so-called safety measures.
A woman wearing reading glasses: Hello, my name is Agnes Teacher and this is my testimony. An average of 1,234 Americans in crosswalks are struck by motor vehicles every year. The socialist loser congressperverts are telling us that on average 120,485 pedestrians are NOT struck, due to their shameful crosswalks —Shameful! - but I ask you all here, how can you count something that does NOT happen? This is the same kind of mumbo-jumbo used by Big Vax telling us how many people DON’T die because of their poison injections. These scientists are nothing but lobbyists with numbers. Science is a scam. A scam! Commies and statisticians! Counting what is not there! Hogwash! Down with Big Crosswalk! Thank you!
[Daily Riot:
Chad: Senators learned a lesson today about the baseless foundations of science, to the delight of truth-loving Christian educators who have been fighting hard to get this message out.
Karen: Yes, Chad. This is why it is so important for our listeners to run for local school boards and vote in local elections for school board candidates who will fight to keep science out of public school classrooms!]
A giant green rabbit, symbol of anti-petroleum hypersexuality, a bottle symbolizing wanton drunkenness, and disgusting anti-Christian partially nude heathen statuary flank a confusing array of crosswalks in Europe. Is this what we want for America?
A young man: My name is Eddie Danger and I am a motorist. I struck a pedestrian in a crosswalk while I was making an emergency phone call to my pastor because I had developed an erection while listening to The Daily Riot on my car radio. I am devastated by the damage I caused to the pedestrian I hit — even though now I understand that I probably saved him from further psychological gayness he would have endured had he made it all the way across — also I am devastated by the increase in my auto insurance premiums and well now basically I have what my attorney says is PTSD. And this all because I was reaching out to my pastor which just reveals that crosswalks are anti-Christian, and I thought this was America where we had freedom of religion. First Amendment! Stop this outrageous and unconstitutional nonsense immediately. Thank you for your attention to this subversive and Satanic incursion by Big Crosswalk into our family-loving, patriotic Christian neighborhoods.
[Daily Riot:
Chad: During our coverage of important congressional testimony on the unconstitutional legislation paid for by the dirty money of Big Crosswalk, we here at the Daily Riot were pleased to hear testimony that revealed just how much our listeners love us!
Karen: That’s right, Chad. I have to admit, even though Sigmund Freud was a godless Jew, I sure did feel a twinge of what Freud called ‘penis envy’ during that testimony!
Chad: Ha ha Karen, just make sure you get some pastoral counseling for that and don’t see a secular psychotherapist, or you might end up with some mutilated genitals! Hahahaha.
Karen: That’s not funny, Chad.
Chad: You’re right, Karen. Listeners, join the battle against the money-grubbing godless commie socialist Big Crosswalk agenda, and all regulations on business, which are all designed to hurt you, patriotic Christian Americans just trying to create a peaceful heterosexual world free from transsexual criminal immigrant pet-eating pussies.
Karen: Amen!]
Patriotic families fighting back against Big Crosswalk.